That Sinking Feeling Again

Imagine having some kind of a button which could shut my system down for a given period. That would mean shutting my mind off all the bad things of the day and cleansing it forever. Going into some sort of a coma and waking up the next day absolutely unaware of the happenings of the previous day. If only my wishes would come true now I would have used that boon today because it was a BAD BAD day for me.

Mood swings is what people called it in the office and I prefer to call it depression. I have no clue what caused it or perhaps I don’t find it necessary to reveal the facts but I am still in that state and figuring how to get out of it. Today was supposed to be a special day since the marketing team was to have a buffet lunch session at Bombay Blues at Kala Ghoda in the celebration of the long Christmas weekend. Instinctively I didn’t want to be a part of the gathering but it would have looked very awkward for not being there with the rest. Any sane person would have judged my mood by the ingredients that I served myself in my ‘thali’ – I was having Dal-Chawal and Kimchi worth Rs. 179 ! I guess I paid heavily for being a part of something which I didn’t want to be from the bottom of my heart. I need to rely more on my inner voice from now on. I finished my lunch pretty fast and both myself and Suku retreated rapidly from that place. Apparently we both were facing rough times for different reasons. I realised I had to control myself from now on lest I should get in some serious argument with somebody at the office.

Increasingly I have started to think that I am being very unfair & unjust to some people whom I know. Call it preferential treatment if you like but nothing intentional. I have noticed that I preferred to be very outspoken with some, not worrying how they would feel after my verbal outburst when I didn’t like them but in some cases I have decided to shut my mouth completely not revealing my true feelings for them. I have begun to pass judgments on them without including them in the process then rejecting them completely, striking them off from my daily life and banishing them to some corner in your mind so they keep giving me sleepless nights. The the next day I feign complete ignorance of what’s going on in my mind and smile diligently. Pretend you’re some super human not affected by silly acts of volition. Not sure where this will lead me to finally but at least I am happy that I know this imperfection lies within me. ‘Shall I?’, ‘Shouldn’t I?’, ‘What if?’, etc. are some of the ugly aliens (read questions) that raise their heads when I want to be just me. It’s tearing me apart and I feel I am giving up now. I have lost many an acquaintance in this fight. Probably forever. But I will miss each one of them forever.

It feels like you have no heart left and all that is there is a huge vacuum filled cavity in your chest. The place where the mind existed once upon a sunny morning has been overtaken by some unknown alien who controls every emotion of yours, stopping you vehemently from correcting yourself. It’s a battle which I don’t know should I win or lose because I don’t know what the consequences hold for me – good or bad. Shall I sink like a dead rock or will I fly once again with that same zest for life and happiness? I don’t want to make an ominous mistake in my life and then repent forever. Unfortunately good friends & everlasting friendships are only seen on the silver screen and hence this inward looking aspect of mine has helped me a lot in discovering and correcting my flaws.

In the end the depression was beginning to grow so much on me that I decided to leave for home quite prematurely, I must say. They were planning to go out for a weekend party – the first time perhaps that I backed off. I just had to be incommunicado for my own benefit. I just wanted to go home to my mamma. Eat her cooked food & settle down in front of my PC, shed a few tears if I could because I know I can speak to him about anything I want and he won’t betray me.